I always knew that deep inside me, I craved a family and craved, one day, to be a mother. Hence, my endless husband search. But, I viewed a husband as a means to a family and financial support. Only as a necessary factor for children who would be loved and cared for and raised properly. Never as an addition to myself, never as someone who would support ME, care for ME, love ME.
Looking back, I realize that it was a combination of me not believing in love, but also, not believing in myself and that I was worthy of that love.
A co-worker of mine (who I might add, met her husband on match.com) ruthlessly made me get back on match after a previous text message breakup debacle. I was at a point where I had absolutely nothing to lose and was actually coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn't absolutely die if I was single forever. Would it be preferable? no. but, Would I die and shrivel up and look like the woman on the deck of Old Maid cards I had played as a kid?
HELL TO THE NO.
I was on match for about 3 months and after a few rounds of disappointing dates, and a few enjoyable dates with people who simply weren't compatible with me in the faith or family department, I met Shane.
And after being with him for 2 months, I know why it never worked out with anyone else. If I believed in the right person, I'd say that he's it. But personally, I think the right person is a myth. I think there are several right people out there, but what really makes the difference is the right TIMING. God's timing. And Shane and I have been VERY blessed to witness some very "In your face!" signs from God, that only solidifiy our relationship and our purpose more than it was already solidified.
He's a faithful man with a wonderful, caring heart. He genuinely loves me and would go to the ends of the Earth and back for me, I think, if I asked him to. I feel beautiful, adored, loved, safe, and happy with him. And oddly, God adding him to my life didn't entail me changing my identity for a man. I've actually never felt more like myself in my whole life. I'm able to express desires for my future and SHARE those with him. I'm free to express disappointment, hurt, happiness, faith, strength. We make each other laugh like crazy and the most simple things with him, are the most fun. (side note** window shopping at wal-mart/target is our favorite Sunday-after-coffee activity). I used to hate girls like me. Girls who were in love and who spent weekend with their boyfriends and let their lives revolve around love and dates, instead of financial goals and careers.... but perhaps, it was just because I didn't understand....
Shane and I studied Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3 this week. You may also know it, as made popular by the Byrds...
"For everything there is a season, and la time for every matter under heaven:
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to mourn, and a time to odance
a time to embrace, and a time to rrefrain from embracing
a time to keep, and a time to tcast away;
a time to vkeep silence, and a time to speak;
a time for war, and a time for peace."
Any of you who know me, know that I've had my season of trial, of sadness, of being mis-treated and unappreciated, my season of building myself and my faith and a VERY long season of waiting and being (or trying to be) patient.
But this season, this is something different. It is my season to rejoice, to praise, to hope and to LOVE.
To love the Lord, to love others, to love my family, to love Shane. The Lord has awakened me to a new feeling of love that I never knew existed and I want to spread that love as much as possible.
I hope everyone should be so blessed as to know the love that I know now.
