Seasons of Love

I was always told that one day, when i fell in love, it would be this silly, all-consuming, makes-you-do-stupid-things, crazy, wonderful love that everything would pale in comparison to. Everyone always told me that it wasn't working out with guy after guy, cheater after cheater, because someday, the right guy would come along and sweep me off my feet and make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Needless to say, with my line of psychopaths, shit- heads, and even good guys who were just commitment-phobes, I DID NOT believe them. To say I was a skeptic would be an understatement. I hate love, I hate weddings, I hate bachelorette parties, I hate Valentines day and I HATE showy facebook photos of how "happy" your life is-- butI didn't hate them because I didn't have those things. I hated them  because I didn't believe they existed and quite frankly, I thought they were stupid. "Foolish girls", I thought. "That's nice that you're so in love but let's be honest, your 25 and you don't know what that is. You're just playing wedding because you're done playing sorority and you're bored. and I'm going to laugh in 5 years when you're divorced."

I always knew that deep inside me, I craved a family and craved, one day, to be a mother. Hence, my endless husband search. But, I viewed a husband as a means to a family and financial support. Only as a necessary factor for children who would be loved and cared for and raised properly. Never as an addition to myself, never as someone who would support ME, care for ME, love ME. 

Looking back, I realize that it was a combination of me not believing in love, but also, not believing in myself and that I was worthy of that love. 

A co-worker of mine (who I might add, met her husband on match.com) ruthlessly made me get back on match after a previous text message breakup debacle.  I was at a point where I had absolutely nothing to lose and was actually coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn't absolutely die if I was single forever. Would it be preferable? no. but, Would I die and shrivel up and look like the woman on the deck of Old Maid cards I had played as a kid? 

HELL TO THE NO. 

I was on match for about 3 months and after a few rounds of disappointing dates, and a few enjoyable dates with people who simply weren't compatible with me in the faith or family department, I met Shane. 

And after being with him for 2 months, I know why it never worked out with anyone else. If I believed in the right person, I'd say that he's it. But personally,  I think the right person is a myth. I think there are several right people out there, but what really makes the difference is the right TIMING. God's timing. And Shane and I have been VERY blessed to witness some very "In your face!" signs from God, that only solidifiy our relationship and our purpose more than it was already solidified.

He's a faithful man with a wonderful, caring heart. He genuinely loves me and would go to the ends of the Earth and back for me, I think, if I asked him to. I feel  beautiful, adored, loved, safe, and happy with him. And oddly, God adding him to my life didn't entail me changing my identity for a man. I've actually never felt more like myself in my whole life. I'm able to express desires for my future and SHARE those with him. I'm free to express disappointment, hurt, happiness, faith, strength. We make each other laugh like crazy and the most simple things with him, are the most fun. (side note** window shopping at wal-mart/target is our favorite Sunday-after-coffee activity). I used to hate girls like me. Girls who were in love and who  spent weekend with their boyfriends and let their lives revolve around love and dates, instead of financial goals and careers.... but perhaps, it was just because I didn't understand....

Shane and I studied Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3 this week. You may also know it, as made popular by the Byrds... 

"For everything there is a season, and la time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to mdie;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to nweep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to odance

a time to pcast away stones, and a time to qgather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to rrefrain from embracing

a time to seek, and a time to slose;

a time to keep, and a time to tcast away;

a time to utear, and a time to sew;

a time to vkeep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to whate;

a time for war, and a time for peace."

Any of you who know me, know that I've had my season of trial, of sadness, of being mis-treated and unappreciated, my season of building myself and my faith and a VERY long season of waiting and being (or trying to be) patient. 

But this season, this is something different. It is my season to rejoice, to praise, to hope and to LOVE.

To love the Lord, to love others, to love my family, to love Shane. The Lord has awakened me to a new feeling of love that I never knew existed and I want to spread that love as much as possible. 

I hope everyone should be so blessed as to know the love that I know now. 

Adventures on Match.com, Vol 1.

It's 2012. I've lived in Atlanta for 3 years. 

3 years have gone by and  I've met a total of 1 person who I would want to date, and he didn't live in this state. BUST.

3 years have gone by, each one year closer to the funeral of my reproductive organs.

3 years have gone by since I bought a "too expensive for my peanuts income" Camry, because I thought "surely by the time I'm 26 I'll have car seats in here". WRONG.

3 years have gone by and let's be honest, my life is still as empty as it was at 23 and if it's possible, emptier than my left ring finger.

After taking inventory of my life in Sept of last year, family is a mess, friendship and jobs are good, lovelife is non existent, death seems more likely than a diamond, I decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps and join match.com. For those of you that have read my blog, this was a big step for me. Not only do I despise dating and think it is nervous, sweaty, awkward and terrible, but I was (in a VERY LITERAL SENSE) scarred from a past online dating experience. If you haven't read, it's a good preface---link here.

I joined match, and in a matter of 48 hours, I had met a very cute guy and had a date with him (" Hey! That was easier than I thought!")-- His screen name was GrizzlyJeep-- let's just say, that's my kind of guy. We met that week at Taco Mac for dinner and a couple of beers and really hit it off! Following a few more weeks and several more dates, we were officially facebook official, and I had an awesome boyfriend! ("Hey-- is this my life right now?? SCOREEEEEEE!!!!!! Callie: 1 World: 0 HAHAHAH SUCKAAAA") For the first month, he was wonderful, flowers, talking about the future, cooking for me, great conversations....so after some coaxing, I decided to shack with my bf. Mind you we didn't "do" anything, as that's not something that I give away willy nilly, even if I am in a relationship-- buttttt, let's just say.... I felt it. Sort of.

And by Sort of, I mean I had to go back and feel it again 3 more times, not for his pleasure or mine, but simply to make sure it was there. After the fourth time checking, the "quadruple check" if you will, It was definitely there. And it was definitely, I established, how shall we say.... aroused ( to be politically correct. Although when you're exposing an ex-boyfriend for having a small penis, I'm pretty sure we've passed any sort of level of political correctness.) Moving on...

So, Just admit it-- you're wondering how small... Well, readers, let's take out your miscellaneous smartphones and have a look, so you can get a visual...

Droid: Not even close, if he was a good guy, I could have made that work , no problem.

Iphone: Ummmm, still no. If he was a good guy with a lot of money, who would BUY me an iphone, I could have made that work too.

Blackberry Torch: eeehhh, getting closer

Blackberry Curve 9330, with NO cover: yep. I'd say that's about accurate. 

Anyway, My desperate self and my aching womb kept dating him despite his shortcomings, and tried to be the best girlfriend I could be. ("Come on Callie, you either get a good husband or good lovin, not both. He's nice and he likes you, that would be mean to break up with him because of that.  He can't help how his anatomy is. Suck it up and get your ring girlll!")

Well over the next few weeks, I baked for him, cleaned for him, spent time with him and wore cute outfits and makeeup for him, helped him do housework, paint, learned about tools and watched terrible shows like GoldDiggers Alaska for him-- and WAS NOT clingy. He always made the first move. Most common girl mistake ever. 

I'm not sure what alternate universe men live in where if women are nice and accommodating, that means they should be dumped, but I've experienced this alternate universe about 23 too many times. Long story short, this jackass goes on vacation, doesn't talk to me for 5 days, sees me when i get back, assures me nothing is wrong- that he was just spending quality time with his family... I leave to go home and at 9:30 that night i get a text message saying something to the effect of the following 

"I didn't really want to do this by text because i'm not good with words. but I think we should break up, I just don't see you as long term"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

He brought me my stuff from his place, that night and I haven't spoken to him since. 

My final thoughts on this terrible experience are this:

If your penis is smaller than my Blackberry, I'm NOT sorry we broke up.

Back in Action...Eh, sort of...

Alright, ya'll. I'm sorry. I've been a terrible blogger since my last post in September, but the truth is, I'm just not funny anymore. I seem to be at a complete loss for snarky commentary about Snooki's god-awful pregnancy (but holy shit do I feel bad for that kid...). I've vowed (since I left my 3 year stint in politics) to pay as little attention to the 2012 Presidential candidates as humanly possible, because, let's just be honest with ourselves, they're probably all self righteous dickheads anyway- so no commentary on that front either. I did try match.com, back in October and managed to have a wildly unsuccessful whirlwind relationship with a guy who I'm convinced had the smallest penis on the planet, that ended with him texting me that he'd like to breakup and didn't see me as "long term". burn. for him. I've had a bucket full of family shit to deal with, and by bucket full, I mean three dumpsters full. I'm not sure if it's writers block or me just being jaded, or some sick combination of both, but the inspiration just seems to have stopped. I've had a few slightly controversial ideas brewing for the blog for quite sometime, and I think it might just be time to bust these motherfuckers out. So funny or not, get ready because they're coming over the next month or so...