Charlie Crist's "Irreparable Damages"

I'm not sure what all the uproar about Charlie Crist is today. People are acting all surprised/ hurt/ confused that he is running as an independent. As a former "semi-insider", I can tell you that it is absolutely NO secret that 'ol Chucky wasn't exactly super-conservative. The man was a RINO. Big time.
The only thing confusing about Charlie Crist is his sexuality, let's be honest. At one point in time, the "man" drove a PURPLE JAGUAR. Now, if you were a pimp, that would be totally BALLIN' but if you're a Republican Governor??? QUESTIONABLE.

John Cornyn said that Crist's future in Republican politics would be "irreparably damaged", since his decision to run as an Independent. Ummm... I'm pretty sure his future isn't the only thing Charlie Crist has ever (cough cough)"irreparably damaged" (if you know what I mean)... Maybe I missed the memo, but after the short-lived hype about him being McCain's running mate, did Charlie Crist ever have a future in the Republican party? I think not. I can say with complete certainty that he is not the "Great White Conservative Hope" that all the activists are hoping for. Maybe Marco Rubio and his Tea Parties are... who knows. Although with all the Illegals, ooops, I mean Latinos, that dwell in Florida, good luck getting a Republican elected under any circumstances.
(ps, I hate the Tea Parties. They are ridiculous and absurd and don't accomplish a damn thing. Tea Parties are are only appropriate for 1. The Queen, 2. Alice in Wonderland, or 3. Girls under the age of 8.)

I think Charlie Crist ought to go Harvey Milk style and just come out- Mystic Tan, purple jag, boyfriend and all. The gays need a new role model. Glambert is old news.

Time Flies...

This week, my facebook news feed has been flooded with status updates that go something like this: "Done with college FOREVER." or "Last day of College Classes!!!!!" I immediately thought "Hey wait, didn't I just graduate like, yesterday?"

Then after a few minutes of analyzation, I realized that in two weeks I will have been in the workforce for two years. TWO YEARS, people!! When the HECK did that happen? I feel like George Banks in Father of the Bride when he finds out he's going to be a grandfather. It just hit me out of nowhere. I am a working stiff. I go to work, eat lunch, work again, go home eat dinner and clean and go to bed at 10:30. The highlights of my week include Dancing with the Stars and Friday. 24? Might as well be 64. I've been an adult for TWO YEARS and I don't have shit to show for it?? This cannot be my life. Oh wait, wait a second. Yes it is.
They say "time flies when you're having fun". Apparently time flies when you're old and boring. That's fine. I accept the fact I am old and I intend to make the most of it.

For my 24th Birthday, I would like all of you to pitch in and get me the following things to make my life as a geriatric complete:

1. A Wheelchair- so when I go the the bars once every six months, i can spend what little energy i have left drinking and not walking.
2. A Big Screen TV- TV is obviously 50% (or more, let's be honest.) of my life. When the Karsahians fight, I join in; Will Shuster and Jax Teller are real people to me, so why not make them life size?
3. A Life Alert System- So when I have too much wine and can't get up, I can call someone. Like OnStar for Old People!
4. A Midget (see: Chewy from the Chelsea Handler Show) All old people need a companion and Tom won't let me have an animal so a midget is the closest thing I can think of to a lap dog. I would prefer that it be Zach or Amy Roloff from "Little People, Big World."

I would register at Target, but I don't think they sell wheelchairs or LPs.

Jane Seymour is Offensive as a Jewelry Designer.

So if everyone hasn't already seen the corny Zales commercial for the
Jane Seymour (aka Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman)"Open Heart" collection
you are missing out on some serious comedy.

First of all, if you haven't seen it, go to youtube and look up the commercial. Dr. Quinn is sitting there all pensive and concentrating EXTRA hard, paintbrush in hand, tracing the "open heart" outline like a hundred times with what looks like a BBQ Basting brush, and THAT is what pops out of her bubble of artist's focus??? Let me tell you one thing. If I was concentrating that hard, I better have come up with the 2010 re-vamped version of the Pythagorean Theorem. And I'm still having trouble with the "collection" part of it all.... where are the rest of the peices that go with this heinous collection? I haven't seen them and I'm pretty sure Zales hasn't either. Thank God.

Second of all, this monstrosity to the upper right right looks NOTHING like an open heart. (obviously, Quinnie has never watched "Trauma: Life in the E.R." )
In fact, I'm not quite sure what it is. Is it a swan? or the number 2? Is it a fucked up cursive Z or a backwards S for Seymour? If you're from the Carolinas... does the bottom of it look like the ass crack of the Gaffney Peach? YES. Yes it does.

So Jane, I LOVED Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (your Indian side kick Sully was totally hot, even when i was 7) and I even loved you as Kitty "Kat" in Wedding Crashers, (Crooked Nose Wilson was stupid not to Motor-Boat you) but, seriously, you are an actor. Not a jewelry designer.

When is it Appropriate to tell someone to "Shut the FUCK UP!"??

When, if ever, is it appropriate to use the subject statement? Is there a decent way to say this to people? Would I get fired from life if I just snapped and yelled this out?

In my life I have seldom dealt with people who have the serious medical condition known as "verbal diarrhea". For those of you who don't know what this is.... picture Austin Powers when he first comes out of the (insert corny British accent) "cryogenic freezing process". He has trouble controlling his inner thoughts and the volume of his voice. Now, luckily for Austin, this is just a side effect of the unfreezing process, but for others, its a very real and very disturbing condition. Now I'm not sure if it's karma or just pure happenstance, but my time avoiding people with verbal diarrhea is most certainly OVER.

For example, topics that I have heard discussed AT LENGTH today have included: Camp Bow Wow's new location, "crepes with delectible caramalized strawberries and a hint of cream cheese" (yes that is verbatim ) and cats killed in the Alabama tornados this weekend. ( I won't go verbatim on that one because you would probably vom. I did.) Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that the previous topics would be much better suited for the Food Network and the Animal Planet, not to mention that I can barely focus no matter how hard I try on whatever task is at hand.

This is affecting (negatively, obvi) my focus and my mood ON THE REG. and it is not cool. I try to spend my days being "Positive Patsy" and it is becoming increasingly harder. I am truly at a breaking point. At any minute I may have an outburst that goes something like this:
"PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO ONE and I repeat NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT" which is NOT like me. I do not scream. I do not shout. I do not get angry. EVER.

So, the questions remain, is there an appropriate way to tell someone to STFU and more importantly, is there a cure for verbal diharrea?

Earth Day, Shmearth Day

After yesterday, with all the hype about going green, I have seriously reflected on my official opinion of Earth Day. I Un-Endorse it. Period. Ok now before you judge me and call me a hater for not caring about our precious planet and all that crap, hear me out.

My thoughts are these: I understand the good intentions of trying to "save our planet" and everything, but If God has a plan for everyone and everything (which I believe he does), is it really going to make a difference where we throw our plastic water bottles when we're through with them? If the Earth is deteriorating, doesn't God mean for it to? Would he have put all these people here fully knowing the potential that they have to wreak havoc on our natural resources?

I truly admire the attitude of people who are are all gung-ho! about going green, I do. But what percentage of the population actually does live completely green, I wonder- and is that number really able to make a difference and stop the planet from decaying? Do they have "green" superpowers? Are energystar appliances going to save us or are they just a reason to pay more now and get a tax credit later? If Green is so important, Why not make the White House fully Green?-- The Green House. (haha :-))

If I've learned one thing in my time as an adult, it's that ONE PERSON CAN NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Two people cannot make a difference. Five people with lots of money and extraordinary connections?? Maybe. Someone should tell kids this, instead of filling their heads with false info about how they can be astronauts or Presidents. If you're blessed and smart and you work hard you can go to college and be a teacher or a lawyer. End of story. (i digress)... If anyone has the stats on the "green population" hit me up. Maybe I'm mis-speaking and the "green movement" is catching on with people other than hippies, the TLC network and Californians.

So, Is Earth Day Sacrelig? I don't know. But I do know this, God has a plan for everything and everybody and His plans will fall into their rightful place whether or not Earth Day or the Green Movement exist....
If you think about it, maybe our efforts would be better focused on making the world more enjoyable and more meaningful by infusing it with kindness and respect. Instead of doing something green, do something kind. Now, THERE'S your movement.

The Things We Think and Do not Say: My Blogging Mission Statement

Ok so here goes nothing: I have decided to write my first ever blog post for a number of reasons:
1. We are SLOOOWWW at work.
2. I need a Hobby
3. I want to use this as a launching pad for self-discovery, developing my creativity and my humor, sharing my life with the people that I love but can't see on a daily basis, and last but not least, (drumroll please) becoming the next big thing in female stand-up comedy.
(ok so I know the last one is sorta far-fetched but I'm sorta funny and hey, Tucker Max did it so why can't I??)

I am making no promises about how hilarious, insightful or interesting this blog will be but I do know that I have meaningful thoughts to share and currently, not a whole lot of anyone to share them with. (for me, this is one of the absolute hardest parts about being single in a "new" town-- you'll find this is one of my big issues in more ways than one. Stay tuned if you dare. lol)

Now in case any of you have been living under a rock for the majority of your life, don't do movie references, or are just plain slow enough not to get the name of my blog (I have to admit, it took my mom a hot second to pick up on it- sorry to call you out Laura) it is indeed a play on a line from Jerry Maguire. Now if you haven't heard of that, I can't help you and you might want to surf right on over to a little site called IMDB.com and catch up on the last 15 years in movies- that will be far more helpful to you than anything that I have to write.
In the movie, Jerry writes a "mission statement" entitled "The Things We Think and Do Not Say". Seriously, I can't tell you how often I have thoughts or moments where i have to pause for a second and think "I CANNOT be the only person in the world to have ever felt like this"...
I've searched high and low for books, articles, websites, you name it on the fears and challenges of being a young college grad and I've yet to find anything that comes even close to paraphrasing what it's actually like. I'm pretty sure I speak for a lot of people when I say that the ages of 22-26 are SCARY. Terrifying. Nervous. Drunk. and most of all, LIFE DEFINING. Like if you make one wrong move, your life won't be the life you've always imagined having or if you play it safe and don't make a move at all, you've let the opportunity of a lifetime pass you by. Nevermind that these challenges are magnified x10 if you're going them alone. So again, I refuse to believe that I am the only one who's ever felt like this. I am making it my mission to literally write " The Things That We Think and Do Not Say".
Hopefully, my writings and thoughts will be relatable and helpful to anyone who has ever had the same revelation...

So here I am. Scared, nervous, and sometimes drunk on merlot (obvi not right now since it's the middle of the day. That would have been the "junior year in college" me.) I welcome you to share, grow and laugh with me on my rise to fame(jk jk), journey of self-discovery and hopefully, my own stand-up special on Comedy Central. ( I could have gone with HBO, but I figured that would be way too pretentious.)