Last weekend, I was coaxed into going to Georgia Southern University for their homecoming festivities. For those of you who don’t know, GSU resides in Statesboro, Ga, which is about 45 minutes away from Savannah. Statesboro is an experience all it’s own, to say the least… Below are the crazy adventures that took place during a most eventful 48-hr period…..
I had previously declined the offer, since I had no money, but my generous friend Katie offered to let me have an IOU in exchange for being her wingman. (or wing”woman”, as the case may be….) I reluctantly said yes, because, let’s be honest, who can pass up college times? And, often, the best weekends come together when you have no plans and no money. ( I later learned that “plans” are not allowed in Statesboro, you simply just fly by the seat of your pants and let life, fate and drunkenness take you where it may…)
The trip started out an hour and a half later than planned at about 8:30 pm, with Katie’s friends and fellow GSU alums, Nick and Cat… I might mention that there is no icebreaker better than a roadtrip with people you’ve never met… During this car ride, I learned about what I should expect from Statesboro, how to get there ( I might also mention that you ride down I75, take a left, take another left and you’re there…..This also takes 3 ½ hours….) and also about the various people I would meet. A Statesboro “prep”course, if you will…
Turns out, no prep course can quite prepare you for “The Boro” (as the locals call it)….
If I had to describe the Boro in two words, it would be “Drunk and Podunk.” Going forward, I would like to think that the city of Statesboro could adopt this as their motto….. I’m getting with the mayor this week to see how that would go over…..
We arrived in the ‘Boro at about 1130, ready to smoke and DRINK!
Life lessons from Night #1 in the ‘Boro include the following:
1. Everyone in Statesboro smokes menthol cigarettes (As a marlboro light menthol smoker myself, I immediately bonded with these peeps)
2. Taking straight shots of warm Captain Morgan is NEVER a good idea.
3. A chair made of 2x4s is not an optimum place to sleep. An air mattress on a kitchen floor is a much better option.
4. I am NOT good at darts sober. I am REALLY not good at darts after a four loko.
5. Statesboro has more pizza joints open at 4 in the morning than New York City. Side Note**If someone offers you pizza with “suicide crust”, don’t ask questions, just eat it.
After waking up from a restful (NOT) night’s sleep on a pile of 2x4s, we decided that it was HIGH time for us to eat again… the 4am pizza, of course had been metabolized, and our bodies were having grease withdrawls.
Huddle House was the selected restaurant, and as a long-time fan of the “Big House Breakfast”, I was stoked. (for those of you who don’t know, the Big House is like everything on the menu, for 5 bucks. = HEAVEN) The DHEC rating for the Huddle House in Statesboro, was a “B”. The food was still good. Fuck DHEC.
After HH, we headed back to the house to shower and get ready for the day’s Homecoming festivities. Our tailgate set up went something like this: 5 of us, two plastic bag coolers, standing in the middle of the road talking to people. (this crew knew one of every 3 people that passed by. And I am NOT making that up.) Slightly Ghetto, but still great times. Once the game started, (yes we were too cheap to buy tickets, but not too cheap to go to the bar and pay for drinks, priorities people.) we went to this bar called Retrievers. It was described to me best as “ only slightly fratty, with medium potential of getting molested”. Sounded like my kinda place The waitress came to our table and I ordered a Coors Light. Now here is the point where Statesboro “upped the anty”… our waitress promptly returned with not ONE silver bullet, BUT TWOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you heard it right. TWO FOR ONE BEERS.
Let’s just say from this point on I was happier than a pig in shit.
Statesboro Life Lessons Night #2:
1. There is a man on a golf cart who hands out free chicken. He will be forever known, in my heart as “The Chicken Fairy”. He came through in the clutch, and many drunk/hungry twentysomethings are forever endebted. ** Said free chicken would later be thrown in a bonfire. My hair smelled like Chicken and smoke for at LEAST two washes after that.**
2. The gym at GSU is called “The Rac”. I don’t typically think potty humor is funny, but I swear to God I can’t say that without giggling.
3. I’m still not quite sure what the statement “Fire is fire” means although it was continuously used by several people who seemed to think it made sense at 3:30 am.
4. “psssstttt” is not a very good “come-on”, even if you are 32.5 beers deep.
5. I am the only white girl who can rap “Grills” flawlessly. And in Statesboro, this impresses people.
Needless to say, I’ll be going back to the ‘Boro, at the first opportunity.
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