Take That, Ashley Hebert.

Last night I decided to have a little get together of friends and family at my new (I've been there 2 months) apartment. I was so happy because I hadn't seen this crew in a WHILE! We always mean to get together, but then life just gets in the way.... I'm always one that says I'd rather sit in a room with 12 people that I love and am truly interested in, than a party of 120 who I don't really know. Now to top off my excitement, this is the first "big girl" party I've ever thrown, and every single person I invited, came! I made some dips, chilled the beer, and waited patiently played Friends Scene it with Katie  until they arrived!

Now, there's almost no two things I love more than wine and reality TV. So you can IMAGINE my excitement when my Aunt Di brought me a bottle of wine SIGNED and made (that means touched at some point) by Bachelorette Runner-Up (on the most recent season with Ashley Hebert) Ben F!!!! I still have yet to take in the full specs of it (what kind, what vintage, etc) because I was so distracted by his autograph ("Enjoy! Ben Flajnik"). I thought about spooning with it displaying it in my room, but I decided it might look not as crazy better in my kitchen wine cabinet. So I've decided, there it will sit until I a) get engaged, b)get a promotion, or c) buy a house. ** Side note, I did some research on Ben F's winery out in Sonoma and then got distracted by some celebrity gossip blogs detailing Ashley's HARSH rejection of him on the season finale. She did that boy WRONG. Hoe.**

Anyway, it would seem that my life is on a high right now, with the raging success of my first adult get-together, my wine and great people I'm blessed to be friends/family with. So to you, Bachelorette Ashley, I say: Take that. My life is ruling right now.

The Wreck of the Day

If you know me, it’s no secret that I lose one of the following things (work badge, debit card, keys, purse, wallet, makeup, camera) at LEAST twice a day. I have no idea WHYYYY this continues to happen. Somewhere around the eeeehhh, say, 7th debit card I’d lost I really started to pay more attention. Putting it back In my wallet, or at the VERY LEAST a zippered pocket of my purse after each use. Yet somehow, I STILLLLLLL continue to lose the SHIT out of these things.

Which brings me to my latest fiasco, which occurred just a mere few hours ago. I pulled up at the gas pump at Kroger because, duhhh, I needed to fill up my tank. *Side note, I’m not one of those people who gets gas when they’re at a half tank. I wait til it’s absolutely on E and there’s the possibility that I might just run out at any second in the middle of Peachtree Parkway. Give me a friggin break- that’s the only adrenaline rush I ever get in my boring life.* So I get out of the car, follow the routine, have a mini-tantrum cause I don’t have enough Kroger Points to get 10 cents off per gallon, I only effing get 3 cents off. UGHHHHH. And then start to fill up, when suddenly, I’m distracted by some snot nosed three year old in the car seat of the Mid90s Honda Oddesey at the pump next to me. “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! MOMMYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I WANNNA TOYYYYYYYYYY MMAAAAAAAAAMMMYYYYYYYYY” I think to myself. “mother of pearl I’m glad that’s not me. That kid’s got some pipes.” I notice his mother, completely ignoring him and pumping her own gas. I think to myself “if that were my kid, we would be having a Come-to-Jesus meetin’ about how we should behave in a public place and that’s the fact, jack.” The click of the gas pump jars me out of my mental parenting prep course and I notice that my total’s only 51 bucks! (small personal victory- I had budgeted for 60) I close up shop at Kroger and move on to Qdoba.

Get in line at Qdoba, survey any men eating lunch by themselves, notice 2 cute ones, secretly think that I wish they’d ask me to join them and then we’d run off together and live happily ever after and have a cute story to tell to our grandkids (well behaved grandkids I might add) about how we just randomly met at Qdoba one day over Ancho Chile BBQ Burrito Bowls. After I finally figure out what the “fresh-over-the-border” Hispanic worker is saying to me I order my burrito, with as little words as possible, and step up to the Cash Register. She tells me my total, which is highway robbery, and I realize that I don’t have my debit card. I mutter a four letter word, or 3, under my breath and tell her I’ve left it in my car- I’ll be right back to pay. Get to my car. Frantically search my purse. No Debit Card. Frantically search again, this time emptying the contents out and checking in all pockets and folded up koozies. Still no debit card. “GOD WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEE EVERYTIMEEE” I cry! (no literally by now I’m crying)- as if it’s God’s fault I’ve lost my debit card. Ok fine. Time to break out the “under-the-seat-search”. I open my car door, bump it into the Acura parked next to me, Hope no one’s looking, and hit the pavement. I can only imagine what it must have looked like—a camry parked in the Qdoba parking lot, with audible crying noises, and the big ass of a panicked 25 year old, (with fantastic pumps on—black, pointy toe stilettos with a rose on the side) coming out of the driver’s side. At this point I’m in such a tizzy I bump my head on the steering wheel, drop a curse word, and move to the passengers side to continue the floor board search. I found some Febreeze and a pair of flip flops, but still no card.

At this point, I’m driving back to Kroger and assessing the worst case scenario in my head. OK, I’ve lost the card forever, I’m starving, I have no cash or anything to get lunch, no time to go home, I’m going to be late going back to work, and my future husband sat at the window facing the parking lot and is now going to hypothetically divorce me because he saw me having a full out breakdown in front of 10s of passersby. After picking myself up from the divorce, I’m going to have to go by the bank, get a temporary card, face the bank, for what I assume is my 15th lost debit card in 2 years, and on top of all that, re-do my makeup.

The card was at Kroger. I moved on with my day. I prayed that God would bless the kind person that returned my debit card. Honestly, I blame the screaming 3-year-old in the Honda van for my absent-mindedness. And I promise you I’m going to invent some chip that you can just have implanted in your left thumb that is your debit card, keys, work badge, and apartment gate key all rolled into one and then go on that show “Shark Tank” and sell it and become a millionaire and just pay someone to be smart and mindful for me. Cause Lord knows I can’t do it alone.

The Name Game, Part Deux

After many positive responses to my original blog classifying people on their names, and absolutely no other basis, I’ve decided to write a Female edition. I’ve been thinking about it for some time and I’ve found that women are not as easily classified as men- but here’s my best attempt.

Ashley, Ashleigh, Ashlie, Ashlee, Ashlyee-  Most often Ashley’s are gorgeous girls that guys want to date. Ashley’s walk into a room and people notice them. They’re adorable with dazzling smiles and oozing with charm. My theory on this is that they have to be original, because they have to make up for the completely generic 1980s name that they’ve been given. If you are a girl between the ages of 15 and 25 I guarantee you have been best friends with an Ashley at LEAST once. You have more than 3 entries of an Ashley in your cell phone address book. You have at least one family member named Ashley.  If you are a guy in this age range, you have slept with at least 1 Ashley and fooled around with 3. And ironically enough, it always seems that Ashley’s don’t have last names. “Hi, I’m Callie Chappell, Nice to meet you”  is the proper way to introduce one’s self, I would think, but it just never seems to matter what Ashley’s last name is. “Hi! I’m Ashley!” will do in any given social or professional setting. If Ashley’s must have a last name it should only be a letter. Ashley M. Ashley B. Ashley S.  (I’m assuming this stems from elementary school in the 90s when, in a class of 14 kids, 8 of them were named Ashley.)

Katie, Catie, Katey-  Truth be told, I love Katie’s. I’ve never met one I didn’t like and two of my best friends in the whole world are Katie’s. Every Katie I’ve ever met is down to earth, funny and normal. They’re easy to be around and will make you feel like you’ve known them forever. Katie’s make good wives. Katie’s make great friends. Katie’s are the shit.

Jennifer, Jessica, - dude. Watch your shit. They will stir the pot, and steal your boyfriends, and act sweet and innocent while doing it. (this is not true for ALLLL jennifer’s and jessica’s. I have a select few that I find very endearing.) But for the most part, they are DRAMA QUEENS. STAY. AWAY.

Misti, Christi, Kristi, Crystal, Amber, and any name that is a season- Get off the pole Summer, Get out of the trailer park Autumn, Put down that Boones Farm Kristi, and Misty- that chipped air brushing on your nails is offensive. Crystal and Amber are at least trying to go to Community College to get their cosmetology license. I think you get the picture.

Brittany, Britney, Britanay, Brittney, Britny, Brittiny- In my experience, no matter how you spell it, Brittney = Bitchney.  To compensate for their generic nature, Brittney’s feel the need to make their mark on the world by doing what they want and leaving you in their wake. They feel that they are the most important party in any relationship and that you should revere them. I’ve met one exception, but generally… that’s Brittney, Bitch.

Rain, Sky, Stormy, Dawn- I hope that you didn’t get second hand smoke in the womb…. But even if you did, I’m sure Whole Foods has some organic remedy to clear your head. Don’t forget your granola and chamomile tea on the way to your yoga and meditation classes. Your husband Earth, will have your free range chicken ready when you get home. Oh, BTW, teva’s are on sale at DSW right now. Also, you might want to re-think the bandanna-on-your-head look. While convenient for hiking, it’s not exactly a good look for anyone, except Cinderella. Wait- are you sure you’re not a lesbian?

Catherine, Ellen, Blair, Claire, Anne, Sallie, Molly, any double name such as (Anna Kate), or any last name as a first name. (ie Collins, Heyward,)- these girls can be found at your nearest greek village sporting khaki skirts, sorority t-shirts and pearls. They’re classy and not easy (unless they’ve been to the SAE wine mixer…) they’re well bred and well spoken. They’re at college to pursue their dreams of being tennis playing housewives lawyers and doctors while simultaneously having four years of freedom from their overly-strict parents. I bet you the next girl you see driving a beemer will be named Addison, or the like…. I also bet her dad pays for her car and insurance and that she has at least one credit card in his name.

Martha, Joyce, Carolyn, Betty, Peggy, Debbie- I’m sorry.

Jordan, Taylor, Riley, Hunter- ahhh, the new “pat”.  Are they boys names? Are they girls names?  I don’t get this and I’m sorry if you’re named this regardless of what gender you are. Unless of course you’re a drag queen, or sexually confused, in which case those names would probably work pretty well, since that gender line is slightly blurred for you anyway… Otherwise. Sorry gals, er uh, guys?

In order Aus?

First of all, if you don't know what my title means: watch this. You'll Roll. I promise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2lKq794fII

Second of all, I always love when they do those magazine posts about what all the stars are loving, and seeing as how I'm quite the regular joe rising star these days, I thought I'd do a little article of my own.

IN:
Maxi Dresses
Summery Salads with apples grapes and balsamic vinegarette
Kate Middleton (OBVIIIII)
Savignon Blanc
"Keep Your Head Up" by Andy Grammar (those of you that know me-- please be proud that I know a current top 40 song)
Got2B Flat Iron Balm
Side Braids
Team Work
Metallics
Birthday Cake Ice Cream from Bruster's

AUS:
Work Overload
Wedding Season
Facebook
Angry Birds
Selfishness
Beiber
Charlie Sheen
The Color Brown
One Night Stands
Weinergate

I've had it With Social Networking.

So far this week, my yahoo account has been hacked and I have had to re-live 3 engagements, 7 weddings, 2 births and 5 ultrasounds. I'm done with wanting to know what's up with 1,060 of my closest friends. If you care about what's up with me, you'll catch me on my cell, read up on my blog, or know my work email and vice versa. I hope that said 1060 friends and their fiances, new husbands and wives, babies and in-utero fetuses have a wonderful life. Maybe I'll be back in two years when all of you are done getting married in time for the actual baby pictures. cause babies are cute. Fetuses and weddings? ehhhhh.... not for me.

Love ya'll. Mean it.

PEACE.

WWKMD, One Week Update

Today, I've officially made it one week in the life of a Hungry Royal. My diet has consisted of lean proteins, vegetables, reduced fat cheeses and a billion ounces of water per day. Days 2-3 were rough. If the devil had shown up and offered me pizza in exchange for my soul, I would have thought about it. But luckily, days 4-7 were an absolute breeze. I don't miss eating crap food and this is way cheaper than eating out anyways. Its clearly a win win. and the kick ass recipes below are pretty great tasting for how healthy they are.
Oh, ps, I've lost 2.5 lbs and have not cheated, except for a peppermint and a half an apple. (hands down the best carbs I've ever eaten. ever. No, really. EVER.)

Recipes Days 2-7

Chicken Fajitas with Low Carb Wraps
4 chicken breasts, cut into strips and marinated in whatever you choose
2 green bell peppers, cut into strips
1 sweet onion cut into chunks
salsa
sour cream
cheese
Low Carb Whole Wheat Wraps (in the Mexican sect of the grocery store- make sure you read the nutrition facts, some of them aren't really low carb.)

Saute the marinated chicken, onions and peppers in olive oil and salsa until cooked and the onions and peppers are softened. Wrap in a low carb tortilla and sprinkle on desired toppings.
** I have to admit, I was really surprised by how much this quenched my craving for Mexican and actually tasted PHENOMENAL.**

Spaghetti and Meatballs- Hold the Spaghetti.
1 lb ground turkey
Chicago Shake Grill Seasoning
1 egg
a sprinkle of italian breadcrumbs (only 5 carbs!!)
1 can of spaghetti sauce
1/2 onion, chunks
1 green pepper, large chunks
1/2 packet of Zesty Spaghetti Sauce Mix

Mix the first 4 ingredients together to form meatballs. Saute onions, peppers, meatballs until meatballs are cooked through. Add sauce and seasoning and simmer for 15-20 minutes. Melt Parm cheese on top if desired.

Chicken and Vegetables in Tomato Cream Sauce
(bet you never thought you could have cream sauce on this diet, but thanks to Neufchatel Cheese, its totally healthy and possible! Only 70 cals and 2 carbs!)
3 chicken breasts cut into strips
2 squash or zuchhini
1/2 Vidalia onion
1 can Italian Seasoned Diced Tomatos
1/2 bar Neufchatel Cheese (in the cream cheese section)
Italian Dressing opt.

Saute chicken and veggies in olive oil or italian dressing until cooked. Drain half of the juice from the tomatoes, add them and the cheese until cheese is melted. Simmer for 10-15 minutes.