The Best Tailgate Ever.

Let me preface this story by explaining that, in the south, we tailgate for EVERYTHING. Football Games, rodeos, horse races, concerts, tubing, golf, fraternity parties--you name it? We have a tailgate for it.
For you northerner’s out there tailgate = barbeque, before an event with LOTS and LOTS of alcohol.

So, last weekend I drove up to Columbia, S.C. --Home of the Fighting Gamecocks, my alma mater and definitely my favorite city in the whole world-- to visit my brother and his friends, who are also good friends of mine. They are seniors at Carolina this year and when they party, let’s say it’s just a notch under Animal House…. Their kitchen table is a camouflage beer pong table (complete with Ducks Unlimited Accents) and they have assorted dead animals hanging on the wall (all of which they have shot,killed, and stuffed of course!) These guys are hilarious, southern, and damn proud of it. They’re some of my favorite people of all time. After quite a long night of partying on Friday, (keep in mind that I had to catch up to where everyone else was since I didn’t arrive in Cola until 10—the drinking at 928 Texas St had commenced at 1 pm, sharp—no worries though, I quickly slammed a four loko and went right on being the ref for beer pong.) some of the poo-nannies in the house decided that they needed a nap… poor babies can’t handle their bourbon, I guess. Some of us, on the other hand decided to man-up and go to… where else?... Wal Mart!

So, we roll up to Wal Mart, and I must say, this particular Wal Mart was FULL of interesting characters…. While there I saw the following:

1. Several people talking obnoxiously loud about “How they was gonna get DayDay if he don’t shuuutt uuupp” while simultaneously doing the “McDonalds Shuffle” (McDonald’s Shuffle: (n.) incredibly slow lazy walk, usually accompanied by a big ass and a bad attitude.—you know, the one that fast food restaurant employees have when they make your food and manage to take 10 minutes going to the fry machine and back?.. “mmmmm hhmmmm”)
Ok I don’t know Dayday or “what he had did”, but I’m pretty sure that the entire store doesn’t need to hear about it. Seriously? Decorum people, decorum.

2. A cashier with Yellow hair that may have reached heights such as 14.5 inches from her forehead. ( and for reals, I am not kidding when I say yellow… think big bird and your right in the hue family that her hair was.)
I wonder how she fits hair of that enormity into her 1992 chevy cavalier when her shift is over… furthermore, how does someone with 2 foot high hair even hold their head up?

3. And last, but not least, the Grand Finale… as we’re walking out the door, this chick, probably early 40s or 30 and had smoked since she was 7, who obviously had been rode hard and put up wet, walks directly in front of us (now I am still from the old school where it is not ever polite to cut in front of people, judge me if you must) only for me to see that she has NO PANTS ON!!!!!!!! WHAT???? Did that JUST happen????? NO. PANTS. NONE?!!! Tye dye t-shirt and bathing suit bottoms that I could only assume belonged to Kelly Kapowski from Saved By the Bell in 1989. NO. PANTS. Pardon my language, but What the FUCK????

So of course throughout our entire trip, we are all making hilarious commentary on the plethora of people in Wally World and laughing so hard our heads hurt… (or maybe that was the hangover. Not the point--) Anyway, we jump in the truck and start to head back home when it hits me. I could stay out here for hours with a tent, some chicken salad and a cooler of something alcoholic and have a friggin’ awesome time people watching! Furthermore, If someone gave me a mic and plugged me up to a karaoke machine, I could make jokes about people that are offensive to human kind and choose not to wear pants and jump start my stand up comedy carreer! Play like you wouldn’t come to that. Seriously.

The idea above is what I believe might possibly be, the best tailgate ever. At the very least, I believe it’s worth a try…Might as well. I mean shit, there’s twenty nine days til football season starts, anyway….