You Had me at Merlot...: I Should Like NASCAR and So Can You...

In my recent pondering of all things southern, my mind drifted to a little sport called NASCAR. (better known in the south as “racin”) Growing up, I was aware that such a sport existed, but never really knew anything about it….- my family was more into the golf/football kinda thing…. In high school I had a brief romance with a young, strapping boy named Dale Earnhardt Jr and went into fake mourning (as did the entire southeast- except I think they were in real mourning) for his Dad when he passed away. After that five minute phase was over, I continued on with my life and never gave “racin” a second thought, until now. How southern could I actually be, I wondered, if I really didn’t know or enjoy NASCAR? Well, I’m not about to let anyone in my way of becoming the perfect Belle. And if it means getting in touch with my Keystone Light drinkin’, redneck side, so be it.

I decided to canvas a couple of my guy friends (avid NASCAR fans and beer drinkers, of course) to find out what the big deal was about some Ford Taurus’s driving around in circles. I wanted to see what it was that they liked about it, and if, in fact, the real sport is anywhere near as entertaining as “Talladega Nights:The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”. It went something like this:

Callie: Will/Josh Can you please explain to me why Nascar is exciting and not stupid? I feel un-Southern for not liking it, but I can’t come up with any reasons why it’s the bomb. Please discuss.

Will: (after quoting the websites from Charlotte, Atlanta, and Talladega motor speedways saying that you may, indeed, bring coolers in with you)” Alcohol, Outdoors, Alcohol, Fast Cars, Alcohol, Military, Alcohol, America. Yeah. Alcohol and America.”

Callie: ok reason #1, Alcohol. Reason #2 America…. #3?

Josh: #3 Jorts in a Field. (see photo) #4 Burnouts

After several more exchanges including alchohol, America, Jorts, Camo and something called “baby bird” which I’ll leave to your imagination for now, Will provided me with a NASCAR for DUMMIES sort of guideline: “

1) pick a driver. Best way to do this is to pick a number, 00-99. I would recommend not basing it off looks, as that is not always the best move (see the hog-huffing Jimmie Johnson). Once you have a number of a driver, make sure he's a top 35 driver, otherwise he may not make it in every race (to do this run it by Yosh and I).

2) Actually watch the race. Every weekend. I promise it's not boring like people think. You just have to kind of pick it up as you go.

3) While watching the race, watch it correctly. No beers that don't come bottled from St. Louis, Missouri. Stick to Natty, Bud Light, or the King of Beers, Bud Heavy Himself. Grilling out also helps.

4) If you can, turn it up, especially when Fox does their "Turn it up" Segments. You'll feel more like you're there. They just stop talking and mic up all the cameras on the track so you hear somewhat what the fans there hear.

5) This is a biggie: Plan a race to go to. Nothing more fun than tailgating ALL day for a night race and then going. You really have to be there to fully experience it.
Do these, and you'll be well on your way. Week by week, you become more invested. It's like any sport, you have to have a reason to follow. Pick a driver, get invested. Just don't pick Jimmie, no one likes a bandwagon fan.”

Ahhh, Step one, Pick a driver. First I picked #4, strikeeee. No one drives a number 4 car. Then I picked Tide, cause I like their detergent and their logo. Strikeeee. I finally settled on Jamie McMurray, after remembering that we had a mutual aquaintance. According to my sources, he was” Very solid last year on restrictor plate tracks. And Ganassi has been getting better and better every year.” I’m not going to lie to ya’ll, I have absolutely NO IDEA what that means. It might as well be German. But my choice was man approved, so Jamie McMurray is officially my guy. I haven’t actually watched a race yet either, but we are planning to go to the one in Atlanta in September, so I feel that I should be adequately versed on racin and rednecks by then.

I’ll leave you with a few pictures of what you should anticipate from my NASCAR Updates.

Below: I'm told that The guy in the whiteT/camo hat eventually fell forward, putting out the Tiki torch with his eye - he regained vision the next day.