A Little Bit Stronger

So in light of my recent journey to… uhh… well, wherever it is I’m supposed to be, I’ve been getting a lot stronger. I’ve been paying attention to my body, my mind and my spirituality. I’ve decided instead of focusing on what I wish things were, I will focus on what they ARE, and go from there. I will be thankful for what I have, not mourn for that which I don’t have. I’ve decided being unhappy is like disrespecting the things and people that I have been so blessed with. So I’ve been taking time to really, consciously, effectively change my negative thought patterns—which in all honesty have probably just become habit. I’m so used to thinking that I’m miserable because I don’t have a husband and babies that I continuously think that, all day, every day. I mean truly, if I’m being honest with ya’ll and with myself I would say that at least a solid 3 hours (sometimes more) of every day my mind thinks of how much I want a family. How pathetic I am cause I don’t have one. How my life doesn’t really matter because I have no people to which it’s tied to. No purpose. No one needs me. (Lock it up, Callie, before someone calls the WAAAAAAMMMMbulance.)

The fact is, I can’t do shit about not having a husband and babies. The only options available to me to remedy this problem are to:

1. One, Look like Angelina Jolie
2. Two, Get artificially inseminated. (and really, this only remedies the baby problem…and creates more problems)
3. Three, Turn it over to God.

I can’t afford number two- like… at all. , And in the spirit of honesty, number one will happen when pigs fly out of my ass. So that left me with 3.

Once I realized this, I have been praying like it is my Job (which I guess in a way it is..) trying, not only to TALK to God but to also LISTEN. To be quiet and still. To be faithful, trusting and grateful. It’s only logical that if I flood my thoughts with thankfulness and trust, that the negative thoughts will inevitably be pushed out. I pray not just for me, but for others- for their needs, and strength and happiness. So, God has given me the grace to focus on what is good. To be patient with people and patient for His plan for me to come together in His perfect timing. He comes to me in my dreams and strengthens me during the day. I realize I probably sound like the biggest Holy Roller you’ve ever met right now, but I don’t EVEN care. Once I opened my heart to this open conversation, all the time, free for all prayer, things have been coming together. I prayed that I would start to feel genuinely happy for people when good things happen to them. And the next day, I was tested and I didn’t feel sad. I prayed that I would have the mental strength to work out, and I have been to the gym 6 out of the last 7 days. (and I just went to the gym cause I WANTED TO! – and those of you who know me, you know this MUST be some kind of divine intervention…)

So with this new found strength I’ve decided to make a list of things I will accomplish that DO NOT involve marriage and babies (don’t get me wrong I still want these so stinkin bad I can taste it, but if now is not the time, that’s fine and I will be promptly moving on and letting God run that part of my life.)

1. Go to the Gym indefinitely until I look like somewhere in between Brunette Barbie and Bristol Palin. I want to, in essence, make this my hobby.
2. Continue Prayer- focusing on Trust, patience (in people and in God) and happiness for others.
3. Volunteer at SOMETHING. I don’t know what, but it’s on my agenda.
4. HAVE FUN! Stop being so responsible and enjoy the things that I won’t be able to do when God decides to bless me with a family. This means: not saying no to parties I’m invited to, picking up and going somewhere on the weekends and not making up reasons why it would be better for me to just stay put. Being spontaneous, trying new things.
5. Hopefully have finished the bible in 1 year/or a year and a half. Somewhere in that time frame.
6. STOP SAYING “I CAN’T”. (whenever possible)

So there it is, my new revised list of goals MINUS marriage and babies. Updates to come…. I’m going to close with the serenity prayer (which, NO I am not in AA, although, I think maybe by the American Heart Assc. Standards, I might actually be an alcoholic… but anyway that’s beside the point. MOVING ONNNN….) I just love this prayer and think it is applicable to every aspect of life and encompasses the long and short of everything I want for my life.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”